Mental Note

yessi
2 min readFeb 26, 2021

I used to think that I don’t deserve everything that I have in my life. My job, my friends, my happiness, the comfort of my daily life, the content-ness I feel every single second of my life. I feel that this is all too good to be true, and I haven’t become a decent human being to deserve all of this in my life.

I still kinda’ am. I question peoples’ intentions when they help and/or be kind to me. I second-guess every blessings I have: my job, my skills, my loved ones.

But then I forgot two things: to be grateful for everything given to me, and not to think that it is all mine.

Maybe my habit of second guessing every good things in my life is I’m afraid to lose them one day. Maybe, deep down, I have lost things that matters most to me and it took away the source of my happiness. Maybe, I’m second guessing my blessings because I’m not ready, or even worse; I don’t want to lose them. Again.

Maybe, I second guess those blessings because I know that we are all humans with flaws that will — in many ways — make mistakes, change, upset, confused, sad, and eventually; leave. I kinda’ sorta’ have an idea how sometimes some things came from a short-circuit-mis-calculated-mis-managed-unfortunate things we have no control of. I would like to believe that sometimes, there was never any ill intentions behind such hurtful things. At least, that’s what I would always like to believe.

But maybe, it is also selfish of me to think that everything will last forever. Maybe, it is even more selfish of me to think that some things in my life are mine. Sure, it will be nice if some things will last forever, or even longer than I expected. But no one ever guarantee that. I was the one who expect that. I am the one who got disappointed by my own expectation of something that isn’t mine to begin with.

So far, it is easier for me to accept that none of these; blessings, friends, jobs, luck; are mine. They are just so happen to stumble upon me and stay with and/or around me for a while. I am grateful to have some people choose and try to stay around me. I am grateful to be accepted and treated with so much love by people around me. I am grateful for every blessings by trying my best to maintain and cherish them while it last.

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yessi
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likes to romanticize tragedy. because some of the most beautiful things happen at the most unfortunate events.