The circle of lyfe.

Intro: a friend just graduated a few weeks ago.

well, best-friend and uh..unofficially graduated (move your ass and submit the revision already, you lazy ass. yes i’m talking to you, Ter). after attending her thesis defense, I went back home by train, and a sudden realisasion hit me. the same realisasion that I had after attending another best-friend’s graduation back in February. ‘after all this, things will not be the same. we will not see each other at classes or have lunch together anymore’. the same punch in the heart(?) happenned. then I am thankful for my ability to not cry despite being sad at a certain moments, considering I was in a public transport. after a day or two, i start to investigate, ‘where are all of these sadness come from?’ and, my friend, here’s my result from days of……….(over)thinking it: fear.

specifically, the fear of breaking a chain of equilibrium. of lyfe.

I already get used to a certain pattern of life. going to uni, then attend some classes, and maybe sacrificing some showers and bathroom sessions in order to catch a quiz, then pretending to know shit in class by paying attention and do a casual deep nod, then complaining about how bullshit the class was with my friends while munching bakso at the cafetaria, then repeating the cycle over and over again until I got graduated.

But now, after I graduated, the cycle breaks, and comes in the new. I no longer go to classes then meet my friends in the cafeteria to talk shit about our classes. Now I woke up, have breakfast, go back to my room, apply for some jobs on the internet, go to job interviews, got weird questions during some of the interviews (I’ll spill the tea sometime later), or even worse, got scammed by a certain interview (I’ll spill this tea soon), go back home, watch YouTube videos, sleep, and repeat. Until this very day.

However, this transition, from university life to…….unemployed life, is somewhat smoother than any other transitions that I’ve experience in my life so far. The first transition that I ever realised, was 4 years ago: the time I was about to start university.

I remember a week before officially move out and live on my own, I was very scared. Because it marked, not only me living by myself but also another ‘chapter’ of my life which is starting university, that I have no idea how it would turn out. Four years ago, I have no idea why I was terrified and cry every night until I moved out. I can’t put a name to the feeling or the situation, I just experienced it. It took four years and another series of similar experiences for me to finally try to understand and think instead of constantly experiencing and feel.

Analysis (kind of?)

I already get used to a certain pattern (or cycle if you may) of life with all the variables in it: my family, my friends, my activities, etc. I have lived in that cycle with those variables interacting with each other for so long, for almost all my life. Both the variables and I interact with each other in order to create and maintain the pattern and occasionally reached a state of equilibrium. A state where I, the variables, and the interaction between us, happens constantly and create a repeating pattern, or a cycle that contains of a chain of interactions between us. And this state of equilibrium is something that I probably will call, my routine, or occasionally, my comfort zone. Because it gets repeated until I get used to it.

So,

What happens when either a variable or an activity got eliminated or added from and/or to the formula? Well, I don’t think a chaos will necessarily happen all the sudden. The cycle is just going to….adjust, to create a new pattern or cycle. Be it the time I had my first break up, the realization that my parents are going to die, my brother’s finally got married, my best friends are growing apart, and so on. This new cycle including all the new/missing variables in it (including myself) need some time to adjust to the new pattern. That’s all.

I guess, the fear comes in from the unfamiliarity of the new cycle. I don’t know what is going to happen on the so and so ‘new’ cycle. I’m afraid to step out of the comfortable bubble that I have, that I live in before. I am afraid that it won’t be as comfortable. I am afraid that I won’t enjoy it. I am afraid because it is unfamiliar to me. I am afraid because I know nothing about it. I was scared, (terrified, even) of those thoughts, because I know for sure that it will happen eventually, yet I do not know when and how exactly it’s going to happen.

A friend told me that it is quite dark to have such thought. But I think, we eventually grow apart from each other, and ended up alone anyway. Be it because we are no longer fit for each other, or we will have our own life and family, or we are going to die, it’s just the matter of when, and how. But, it doesn’t mean that I would constantly grief, feel sorry for myself, and ended up wasting all the time I have left before all the inevitable thoughts actually come true. If anything, I guess the fear is actually another form of a reassuring thought to seize the day, make the most of the time I have left to…..enjoy it. Enjoy everything that I have now, because I know for sure, I wouldn’t have it anymore in the future. If anything, the thoughts were pretty much like a…….gentle warning to do good, to cherish everything that I have now before I won’t have it anymore.

Right?

Well, I don’t know for sure. To be honest, I think trying to rationalize things is just another form of coping mechanism. It’s pretty handy as a staple, instead of constantly feeling and not knowing what to do or what is happening. In the midst of uncertainty, it feels nice to, at least thinks that you have some kind of control of yourself, your life, and your situation. You, as a subject, as a being. It’s yet another form of distraction or drugs or anything similar, to accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, this is it. This is all we got and nothing more.

Outro

WELP. That’s all I got for now. Thank you if you made it this far without skipping any part, you are my hero (love emojis). And now to wrap everything up, I would like to quote a line from one of my favorite films, Kill Your Darlings, that sparked the idea about this whole thing that I just ramble about:

“Another lover hits the universe. The circle is broken. But with death comes rebirth. And like all lovers and sad people, I am a poet.”

Allen Ginsberg’s line on Kill Your Darlings (2013)

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yessi

yessi

likes to romanticize tragedy. because some of the most beautiful things happen at the most unfortunate events.